Lenny from Indy

Last season with the Redskins, the Jim Zorn/Daniel Synder drama was the most documented failure of a NFL football team bottoming out.  There is no need to revisit the past.  It can be summed up in one play, the badness that has been the last few seasons of Redskins football…

Yeah guy… that happened on Monday Night Football.  Needless to say, Dainel Synder let Jim Zorn out of his coaching contract as soon as the season ended.

Enter Mike Shanahan.  The 28th head coach of the Washington Redskins franchise.  Mike’s resume includes one Super Bowl victory as the offensive coordinator for the San Francisco 49′ers and two Super Bowl victories as the head coach of the Denver Broncos.

Sadly for those who hate on the Redskins, Daniel Synder stepped in ice cream.  Mike will make the Redskins a much better team next season.  And, the season after that we have a good shot of the Redskins being major competitors once again.  Not even an alleged meddling owner can stand in the way of the Shanahan train… He’s that good.  The next few years will be interesting in the NFC East.  If you are a Giants, Cowboys or Eagles fan, chances are you are hoping Shanahan gets struck by lightning.  No such luck as Mike Shanahan controls lightning.

If the Redskins were a woman, she would look like this after a healthy infusion of Shanahan…

Ummm… What was I talking about?  HOLY SMOKES!  LET’S MOVE TO DC!!!

On January 7, 2009, the Cleveland Browns hired former New York Jets coach Eric Mangini to be the head coach and pull this desolate team that is in the same division as the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens out of a six foot pit they placed themselves in around 1999 when they drafted Tim Couch as quarterback.

Understand this Browns fans, this guy is not a miracle worker.  I compare him to Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies.  Before he became “Lord Vader”, Eric Mangini was Anakin Skywalker.  Anakin was a fun loving guy with potential that was off the scale.  His Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Jedi knight that was going to teach him the ways of the Force (coaching) was a guy name Bill Belichick.  Now Bill we know is a bit of a curmudgeon himself, but his talent level is pretty undeniable.  Bill was teaching Eric the ways of the force and Eric was seduced by the dark side of the Force.  In this case we’ll call the dark side the New York Jets.  This was a mismatch from the start.  The Jets wanted different results from a guy whose name wasn’t Herm Edwards, former Jets coach.  Enter Mangini who essentially was in the right place at the right time with the stars and planets aligned.  The Patriots coaching staff were red hot due to the Patriots Super Bowl Run earlier in the last decade.  We’ve seen guys like Romeo Crennel (who Mangini replaced in Cleveland), Charlie Weis, and Josh McDaniels all get poached away from masshole land (The greater New England area) to various coaching jobs in the NFL and college football with to this point failure as the final result.

Back on topic… Eric had a great first year with the Jets with Herm’s roster and playbook and guided the Jets to a wild card playoff loss in 2006.  Then he had time to embrace the dark side of the force, tinker, ruin, and destroy the Jets in his own special way.  They went 4-12 and 9-7.  No playoffs.  Eric was fired.

What’s crazy here is that 9 days after his firing, the Cleveland Browns hire him after they fired former Bill Belichick coach Romeo Crennel.

Are the Browns organization stupid?  Wait don’t answer that… there’s more to the story.

Eric entered this job with a much different atittude than he did when the Jets hired him.  He ran off what little talent they had and scorched the earth in Cleveland.  The simple people of Cleveland freaked.  Mainly because Lebron James can’t play two pro sports, but I digress… Eric did get one thing right.  He inherited a team that has had I believe one winning season since they re-entered the NFL in 1999.  This team is already buried 6 feet under with bad attitudes and the few people who are considered “top talent” on this team more than likely believe when they poo there is no way it can stink next to some of the open mouth breathers that they have as teammates.  Eric cleaned house, kept the ones who believed in the “we” and not the “I” and started over.  During his first draft, Eric kept trading down picks and stocked up on defensive players.  Interesting move to make when the draft wasn’t considered deep with skill players.

End result.  Major suckage.  They won one of their first twelve games.  Not fun for Browns fans.  More of the same they said out loud and then wore dog masks, as only morons do.

In fact two guys, season ticket holders demanded a meeting with the owner of the Browns to see what he was going to do to fix the situation.  Mind you, a situation that has been going on since 1999 but hey, Mangini is the face of the team so lets throw him under the bus for 9 years of failure before he even took the gig.  Sad part is that Cleveland Browns Owner Randy Lerner took the meeting and took it seriously.  What should of happened is a public flogging of these dumbells.  Meeting… Could you Imagine what this conversation could have been like??????????????

Moron season ticket holder #1:  Why can’t we be like the Steelers?

Randy Lerner:  Don’t you smell sadness?  That means we live in Cleveland son…

Moron season ticket holder #2:  I wear this dog mask all week long.

Randy Lerner:  Feet smell nice after washing with raspberry soap.

Moron season ticket holder #1:  I want the Browns to win the Super Bowl.

Randy Lerner:  One day we will.

Moron season ticket holder #2: When?

Randy Lerner:  When we blow up Pittsburgh son.  Thanks for your donation.  I own a NFL franchise.

Maybe it went like that and maybe it didn’t go like that.  I wasn’t there but that is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard.  Cleveland sucks.

People of Cleveland.  Randy has better things to do with his time that to hear your whining.

Back to Eric Mangini… He had done something that no other coach for Cleveland as done since re-entering the league in 1999.  They went on a 4 game win streak to close out the season.  They ended up 5- 11.  So a glimmer of hope in an otherwise forgettable season.  A four game win streak  First one in 10 years.  F U Browns fans.

So Anakin Skywalker (Mangini) needs his Emperor to begin his reign of terror.

ENTER THE WALRUS!

Former Green Bay Packers Super Bowl winning coach / Former Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl losing coach Mike Holmgren was hired to be the President and was given authority over the team’s football operations. This hire was made after Browns owner Randy Lerner announced that he wished to bring in a “serious, credible leader” to steer the team in the right direction. After public speculation (morons in Cleveland and the drizzle knobs in the media outright lying to themselves by fabricating that Holmgren and Mangini would not be able to co-exist, Holmgren stuck his Presidential foot in the ass of every citizen of Cleveland by announcing that Mangini stay and the entire coaching staff stays for the 2010 season.  Suck it dill weeds!  Then, Holmgren hired former Philadelphia Eagles general manager Tom Heckert to become the new general manager for the Browns.  That moved probably screwed Philadelphia long term but who cares, it’s Philadelphia.

On to the present day… I get the feeling that Cleveland is going to have to lean on Mangini’s past moves and hope players develop like he thinks they will.  Going into this season, the Browns have Brady Quinn, Brett Ratliff, and Seneca Wallace as quarterbacks.  If you fuse these guys together you more than likely won’t equal Jason Campbell of the Washington Redskins.  That’s a huge issue.

You have Joshua Cribs at wide receiver, Joe Thomas at tackle, maybe a defense Mangini put together last  season that look like it jelled at the end of the season.  You need help pretty much everywhere.  Consider this a rebuilding season.  At best… 6 wins… Maybe 7.

If the Cleveland Browns were a girl, she would look like this…

We’re just never going to know if they are hot…

ATTN:  Chicago Bears

YOU F-ING MORONS!

So you start off last season with a great QB pickup…

In case you forgot, his name is Jay Cutler.  Last I checked, he’s a pretty good quarterback.  Laser rocket arm and all…  I do get the feeling he can be prima donna-ish/whiny bitch-ish but never-the-less, this is a franchise quarterback.  You jerk offs who run the Bears make the deal to get this good quarterback but forget to give him A OFFENSIVE LINE TO PROTECT HIM! AND, NO RECEIVERS!!!

So you had a bad season due to some minor over sights in personnel, Jay ran for his life, tried to make things happen.  He ended up trying to force things and threw a career high level of interceptions.  The aging defense lost a few key pieces to injury and you get a terrible season put in by your Chicago Bears.

Free agency time hits and who will the Bears sign to improve this lopsided, great quarterback but no offensive weapons?

DEFENSIVE PLAYERS!!!!!!

Really?  What are you guys trying to do, build another Super Bowl losing team?  Don’t answer that, we know the answer.  Free agency is essentially the draft for the Bears because all the draft picks went to Denver for Jay Cutler.  This is a sickening thought thinking that Hester, Knox, and Aromashodu is going to be top level receivers for the Bears.  I really have no issue with Aromashodu but you can double him, leave Knox open and feel confident that you can shut down the Bears passing game.  Greg Olsen is a pretty good tight end but the Bears have confused the issue with bringing in Brandon Manumaleuna.  He’s fine but a pointless pickup when you already had Greg Olsen.  Chester Taylor was a nifty pickup at the running back position.  The combo of him and Matt Forte would be good, if only they had a strong offensive line and the threat of a bad ass passing game.

Last season was terrible.  The off-season has been confusing.  Lovie Smith is not going to be able to make these pieces work.  If the Bears were a chick, this is what she would look like…

It’s just a ugly mess.

You have endued pain Chicago Bears fans.  More pain is is on the way.  Because, there is no hope.

Additional pain… Here’s a guy from the south side of Chicago who has no chance of a Super Bowl ring either.

Ah yes… The Ovis Canadensis.  A noble beast to be marveled at, admired , and celebrated.  One of nature’s finest animal creations, the ram.  A much maligned beast through our history.  Seen as evil to some…

Let’s take for instance the story of the Ram as on of the most admired animals of the the great Apsaalooka people, or Crow Nation, people, and what is today called the Bighorn Mountain Range was central to the Apsaalooka tribal lands. It was storyteller Old Coyote who describes a legend related to the Ram. A man possessed by evil spirits attempts to kill his heir by pushing the young man over a cliff, but the victim is saved by getting caught in trees. Rescued by a Ram, the man takes the name of their leader, Big Metal. The other sheep grant him power, wisdom, sharp eyes, sure footedness, keen ears, great strength, and a strong heart. Big Metal returns to his peope with the message that the Apsaalooka people will survive only so long as the river winding out of the mountains is known as the Bighorn River (another name for the Ram).

What could be a better name for a football team?  The entire concept of the Ram is perfect for a football team.  Hell, they even have there heads down in a similar head butting stance.

Founded as the Cleveland Rams in 1936, moved to Los Angeles in 1946, to their eventual eviction and banishment to St. Louis in 1995 due to the fact that they do not inspire the same passion as USC Football.  The Rams shocked the world by winning the Super Bowl during the 1999/2000 season with Coach/Emotional Weeper/Could never win the big game in Philadelphia Dick Vermeil along with former Iowa Barnstorms (Arena Football) quarterback/future hall of fame player Kurt Warner.

Here’s how the last decade worked out for the once great Rams… Dick Vermeil retired after winning the Super Bowl and shedding many tears.  Then Mike Martz took over.  Basically the same team that Dick had, the Rams made it to the Super Bowl the following year only to be beaten by the New England Patriots.  Management did what any logical franchise would do after losing a Super Bowl… They dismantled the team.  Mike Martz was fired and Scott Linehan was promoted from within the organization.  Well Scott was fired and Jim Hazlet was promoted from within the organization.

All of that didn’t work out at all… Massive fails everywhere.

Enter Steve Spagnuolo, former defensive coordinator of the great New York Football Giants.

Steve was flying high off of being able to rebuild the Giants defense to they mid 80’s level of defense displayed by the Giants when Lawrence Taylor was in the league terrorizing quarterbacks everywhere.  This was an impressive feat since the head coach was and (still is as of this post) Tom Coughlin.  It’s pretty much why the great New York Football Giants were able to get hot and go on a great run to defeat the undefeated 2007/2008 New England Patriots in the Super Bowl.  That one game pretty much put Steve in the head coaching gig in St. Louis, where then then place him in a 16 foot hole and said, “PLEASE STEVE!  WE MADE A ABSOLUTE MESS OF THIS TEAM!  DIG US OUT!”

Speaking of the New England Patriots, later it was discovered that the Rams were indeed the first victim of the Patriots “SPYGATE” drama.  This is where film was taken by the Patriots that apparently had the Rams game plan.  We aren’t 100% sure about what was on the tape because the NFL viewed these tapes and immediately had the footage destroyed.  That bummed me out because I wanted to see the Spygate room at the hall of fame in 25 years.  Alas, we have been robbed of that moment.    I used alas in this post.  FEEL THAT!

Anyway… way off topic.

In his debut season as a Coach Steve Spagnulo, known by many as Spags went 1-15.  This is the worst possible case scenario for Spags.  I believe he can be a good coach.  Steve has so much to work to do because this team has been in a tailspin since the Super Bowl loss in the 2000/2001 season that they are only a hair better than the Lions.  Also, with Rams ownership currently in flux, this cannot be good for the good hero Steve Spagnulo.  In my humble opinion he has maybe one good player, Howie Long’s kid!  He is going to have to rebuild people on this team he wants to keep and build an entire team.  This is going to be the toughest rebuild in modern football history.

What happens next?

Well… there is this article that says the Rams are lowering season ticket prices due to the fact that the team has won 6 games in 3 years… click for that magic here.

They need a quarterback… and they need a quarterback right quick.  Not to besmirch the good name of Marc Bulger, he is way banged up, and his time in St. Louis is done.  This quarterback has to start, run for its life for a year and then start to improve.  For the Rams, they don’t have many other options… Well they could give the Eagles a high draft pick for McNabb… but that’d be crazy.  Free agency should take care of the offensive line and the draft has some big ass defensive guys.  I have faith in Spags and I think if given the time he can rebuild the “greatest show on turf”.

If the Rams were a woman.  They would be this woman…

She has drank so much over the past few years… She has been drinking to forget…

Ok… Look Lions fans… in the 2008/2009 season, the team completely bottomed out.  0 wins.  Basically the same amount of wins as us “armchair coaches” with our teams.  Your former GM Matt Millen took a somewhat competitive teams and in 8 years time, drove them 6 feet deep.

WOW… was that a bad year.  I mean terrible.  Matt Millen was fired but due to the fact that he was apart of a team that won a Super Bowl when he was a played he was able to slide into a cushy network job where he no dissects the game…  Yes, yes, yes, I too lower the volume or change the channel when Matt Millen is given air time on the TV channel called ESPN.  You know who is the big loser in the Matt Millen issue?  Former Hall of Fame quarterback Steve Young.  You can just tell by the look in his eyes that he cannot take anything Matt says seriously.  Steve Young is a man who had the biggest shoes to fill when he took over for a legend in the form of Joe Montana.  JOE FREAKING MONTANA!  I wanted him shot all through the 80’s as he owned the decade with one great performance after another.  So imagine for a seconds that you were Steve Young.  You spent all your career proving that you are an elite player in the NFL only to be rewarded with sitting with Goofus Millen as your side kick.  What in the hell is ESPN thinking hiring Matt Millen?

Oh… ok…back on topic….

Realizing that Detroit (in this case the team, not the city.  that’s a whole other conversation) has been buried well into the ground.  The rebuilding process begins with a new General Manager (Martin Mayhew), Coach (Jim Schwartz), and the number on pick in the 2009 draft.

Enter Matthew Stafford, former quarterback of the University of Georgia.

He’s the guy on the right…

Every franchise has a turning point from when they go from a bag of poop to contenders.  Quite possibly on November 22, 2009 we might have witnessed the future of the Lions franchise.

Matt threw 5 touchdowns in a 38-37 win over the Cleveland Browns.  In what might be a turning point moment in the teams history, Stafford threw the final touchdown pass with time expired despite suffering a separated shoulder on the previous play.

Check out the carnage and glory here…

Amazing.  Granted, your team only went 2-14 but percentage-wise the Detroit Lions improved 200% in the win category from last year!  Ok… that was kind of a dig, but you know what I’m talking about here… This is on par with Pittsburgh’s alleged “Immaculate Reception”.  Except this one is real.  Sure Steelers fans will disagree and say that it was a catch but here is the rub people.. .YOU CANNOT CATCH UPWARDS!

Check out this shame here…

SHAM!

Without enough cameras filming the field, shenanigans like this happened all through the 70’s.  My point being, 0-16 to 2-14 with a complete upper management change and a quarterback who has the heart of Lion (pun intended) the Lions furture is looking good.

What happens next?

Improvement still needs to happen everywhere.  Offensive line, defensive line and special teams would be a great starting place.  You have to remember, even though Matt Millen was and still is a slap ass, you have some decent high draft picks at the Wide receiver and running back positions.  Now that a decent coach in in place, they could now develop into some good to possibly almost great players.

In conclusion if the Lions were a chick…well… she would be in transition… here is what she looked like in 2008 and what she might look like in 2010…

So 2008 was a big of a problem… Is 2010 right around the corner?

Courage Lions fans.  I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow we look at the Rams and try not to laugh.

The Indianapolis Colts!

A dream season!  The leagues MVP quarterback. 14 games in a row were wins!  The unstoppable Indianapolis Colts!

Then… game 15… they closed up shop… Walked away from a undefeated season because they needed to rest players…THE CITY SCREAMED IN ANGER!!!  GRRRR!

Truthfully, the city whined like little bitches.  WAH WAH WAH!  We want the undefeated season!

Bill Polian, the artichect of the Buffalo Bills from 1986 to 1993 and this great Indianapolis Colts team understands what it takes to get to the Super Bowl.  Since 1989 Bill has been involved with putting together 6 Super Bowl teams.

6.

That’s quite an impressive number.  Granted of the 6 teams only 1 raised the trophy but, how many other people in his position with other teams can say that they have accomplished this feat on two 2 teams.  Not one other person.

I bring this up because I notice amongst the good people of Indianapolis there seems to be this , “Anti Bill Polian” vibe in the city.  Let me give this to you in simple words… CUT IT OUT MORONS.  The guy created Camelot here and you are to stupid to understand what is in front of your non-deserving eyeballs.  Go ask every citizen of Buffalo and ask them how the Bills are doing after Mr. Polian was unceremoniously asked to leave the building?  THEY HAVE NEVER RECOVERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Show some respect to the man.

Ooopps… Sorry… back on topic… Bill Polian and his staff understood that the only thing that matters is getting to the Super Bowl.  Many veteran and banged up players were given time to rest for the playoff run.

The Colts defeated the Ravens and Jets on the path to the teams second Super Bowl appearance in 4 years.

What happens next is what every franchise that is at the top of their game experiences in only nightmares, being outplayed on the sports world’s biggest stage.

Much like the Colts last Super Bowl appearance, the half ended and it was still a close game.  However, the Colts came out and immediately felt the full force of a masterful aggressive game plan from Saints head coach Sean Payton.  Sean made some adjustments to the Saints game plan, while it seemed the Colts made none.  Reality TV star Hank Baskett failed to cover a onside kick from the Saints at the beginning of the third quarter.  In hindsight, the game ended right at that moment.  A player who was signed because Anthony Gonzalez went down to injury in game one of the season is the shining moment of failure for our beloved Colts in the Super Bowl.

Painful footage here:

Me gets the idea that Hank might not be a member of the Colts next year… Can’t wait for that next season of Kendra!

In Conclusion… If the Colts were to be a hot chick in a club during the regular season they would look like this….

Bumpin’ in da’ club.  Drinking 40’s and having a good ole’ time.  Sadly, closing time has come and the lights are on… this hot chick really looks like this….

The harsh morning light shows us that, well… we had a good time but we were really drunk.  I mean really, really, really off the scale hammered.  Now comes the rest of our life part…

What happens next?

Usually a team that loses a Super Bowl goes into the “dark ages” and takes years to recover (See 99/00 Giants, 04/05 Seahawks or o6/07 Bears).  However, none of those teams had Super genius Bill Polian at the helm.  In what might be a uncapped salary year, the Colts have the entire core of the team expect for Peyton Manning and Gary Brackett under contract.  So what do you think Mr. Polian is going to do here?  He’s going to sign Peyton and Gary and the team is going to be very competitive next year.

You might not of won it all last year Colts but, you have one of the better shots in the league to win it all next season.

On Monday we’ll continue our ongoing series on why your team didn’t win it all.  Check back Monday morning as we dissect the drama that is the Detroit Lions.

Ugh.  Sorry I haven’t been around for a minute.  I think I was stunned by the Super Bowl upset as our beloved Colts were taken down by the New Orleans Saints.  It was a really great game, sadly the wrong team won.  No seriously, congrats to the Saints.  They are a classy organization and it is well deserved, even if that douche nozzle Jeremy Shockey is on the team.  I was pretty happy that his only ring was won while he sad on the sidelines with a broken leg while he was a member of the New York Giants.  If that’s my only complaint against the Saints Organization, then it was a well deserved win.

These are the images that now are apart of sports history…

and to the victor goes the spoils… Mardi Gras is now starting in New Orleans and Drew Brees (former Purdue great) was named the king of Mardi Gras. The king is called “King Bacchus”. You get to wear a King of Bacchus outfit and people hail you….

Starting tomorrow we will start a series of why your team didn’t win it all… We’ll start with the Colts and then hammer the rest of the league.

…It’s been in my head ever since… Imagine my surprise as to know a video exists.  Please enjoy LaDainian Tomlinson’s “Electric Glide”

I read the defense. I read the defense. I read the defense. I read the defense…

Apparently Jimmy Fallon had some fun with this now classic song as well…

And, look at what we have found here…. Morons had fun with the LT song as well…

So… wow… terrible as the halftime show at the Super Bowl… Major music fail.

Kudos the the Saints on a great game.

…He got carried away…but…who could blame him?

Better simulation of the game…

I found this online!  This is not what I needed to see today…

Peyton’s first appearance on the Letterman show… count out how many things about his future he spoke about turned out wrong…

25 years later, Boost Mobile is gettinig the team back together to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the Super Bowl Shuffle.

At this point only dudes from Chicago really would care about this song and it’s 25 year anniversary.  Am I wrong about this topic?